Reflection on 9/26/18: Today I feel as though I failed. The enemy tells me I suck at being a Christian. Why would God continue to give me opportunities to share the Gospel if I’m just going to ignore Him?
I know it is the will of God that we share the Gospel. I know that there are millions of people who need to know Christ as their Savior and we should not pass up any opportunity to share the good news about Jesus. I’ve been trying to share that with my family-but family can be a really tough crowd. I have also looked for and have prayed (from time to time) for other opportunities. I’ve even taken a couple of them…but not today.
Today I walked into a Subway for lunch. It was kind of a last minute plan. I got a craving for one of their breakfast sandwiches…flatbread, yellow egg, ham, bacon and pepper jack cheese heated up then topped with fresh spinach, black olives, banana peppers and just a little red onion and some salt and pepper. I don’t eat the flat bread but it’s easier for them to heat it up that way. I just fold the egg up like a taco with all the stuff inside and wah-lah! A delicious Keto-friendly lunch. As I walked into Subway there was a man sitting to the left at a table all by himself. I can’t know if he was a Christian or Muslim or Hindu or Buddhist, maybe he was an Atheist, who knows? He had dark skin and dark eyes like someone from the Middle East. I don’t know. Immediately I felt like I need to share the Gospel with him. It was weird and kind of crazy and I thought, “That’s silly, why would I do that?” Of course I know why…because we all need Jesus! But you know how those conversations go inside your head? “He’s eating his lunch…he’s a stranger…he’ll think I’m stereotyping him…he’ll think I’m weird…everyone will hear me…it’s a small store…” Bam! I was bombarded with tons of reasons NOT to share the Gospel.
The problem is I try to stop thinking about it because I didn’t come here to do that…but the thoughts won’t go away. I try to reason with myself, or is it the Lord? Because now I’m not sure. I say (in my head) to Him, “I can’t do that right now, not with him, not here…” I sat down at my table to eat and still the thoughts are coming. By now I’m telling myself these thoughts are only coming because I’m thinking about it and I’m the one keeping it up not the Lord. I try to quit thinking about it but I can’t. So now I say (again, in my head) to the Lord, “Okay, if you want me to talk to him, let him come over to say something to me. If he comes over to my table, I will share the Gospel with him.” At the same time I start thinking, “Okay, I could get up and go out to my car and get one of those flyers for the Revival service tonight at the little Baptist church by my house, and if he walks out while I’m out there I’ll say something to him. But he starts preparing to leave, picking up his mess at his table, so I don’t do anything. He doesn’t look my way or come over to my table, he just goes out to his car which is parked right beside mine. Then he sits in his car for what seems like a very long time but was likely only a minute, and then he pulls away. My opportunity is gone forever.
I haven’t stopped thinking about it.
- What if it was the Lord and I missed an opportunity to share Christ?
- What if he was contemplating suicide?
- What if he had been thinking, “God, send someone who will tell me You are real.”
- What if…
My heart is breaking right now knowing I missed an opportunity. I hear both the enemy condemning me and the Holy Spirit convicting me. Condemnation says I’m a bad Christian-not worthy of God’s forgiveness. Conviction says, “Why don’t you trust me? What are you afraid of?”
Jesus says His sheep hear His voice and another they will not follow. I know I hear His voice; why do I question myself? Why do I question Him? Why do I let the fear of man stop me? What am I really afraid of? Part of me thinks, like with my family, I’m afraid they will ask me a question I can’t answer.
Father God, I know You love me. I know You are patient with me. I know You have given me the desire to serve You and to share the Gospel with lost people. I’m sorry for how I fail to do these simple things sometimes. Please help me to grow stronger in my faith and in knowing that You are the one leading me and You are the one who will get the glory. Please don’t give up on me.
Reader, can you relate to this? Any suggestions on how to move forward?